Worries

I miss my dad. My mom called me sobbing tonight, and it was so hard to hear her be so sad. She's exhausted. Traveling like a bee, stopping only long enough to catch her breath before she takes off again. My dad was such a tremendous support to her and to all of us. I'm worried about her. Worried that she's working too much, that she's trying so hard to be tough, to be good at everything, and that she might just crack one of these days. From my perspective, outside her world, there are things that are possible to miss in the interest of sleep, especially from her perspective. She should have taken more time off after Daddy's death, but probably would not have. I know she takes things one day at a time, and she is barely making it through. Inside. Externally, she's ok - hiring people, making time for them, making decisions, etc. She thinks she needs to keep going, as fast as possible, and do her best, always. She really needs to slow down. I panic when she calls crying like that. It's so hard to listen to. Maybe I'll call the grief counselor tomorrow. Just to see who she is and what she has to say. Maybe I'll even make my mom an appointment. And what about me - Am I ok? I don't know, but I know that I'm asking those questions. I'm concentrating on it, and treating myself gently, rather than pushing at myself. I sleep a lot, try to turn my brain off, relax. I think I would actually be quite good at being retired. Or a teacher, mom, stay at home person. Could be fun. But for now, it's off to the races. Going to work as hard as I can for a few years, learn as much as I can, and then retreat back to a really interesting, lower profile job, hopefully with comparable pay.

I had lunch with Veronica yesterday and she told me a bit about her list. I'll start one soon, although it's very difficult to do when one is already emotionally involved with someone. To be continued....

Wild Ride

What a wild ride.  My life so far.  In the last few years, it's been crazy, and I feel like I've only recently been able to take it out of the fast-forward it seems to have been in to date.  I've met so many people, had so many vicissitudes of experiences, loved tremendously, sobbed tremendously.  Opened up to people I did not think I would, and learned a huge amount.  I've loved it, and it's amazing to have time to reflect on it.  I graduated in December, survived and semi-celebrated the holidays with my mom and brother, then left for Argentina and Brazil.  I was gone from December 29th through January 22nd, and traveled to Buenos Aires, Sao Paulo, Rio de Janeiro, Salvador, Peninsula Marau, and then back.  It was amazing, but it was not until the last week in that amazing place called Marau that I was able to slow down and relax.  Since then, I've split my time between San Francisco and Tahoe, hanging out with friends and family as much as possible, sleeping a lot and enjoying my last few days of freedom before my new job starts.  

Back to the wild ride.  It's exciting.  I'm about to embark on another chapter.  I'm moving to New York City in three weeks, where I expect to spend between 4 to 6 months.  Clarification:  I'll be living in Brooklyn, not The City, but I'm excited about it all the same.  I have so many friends in that area, and good ones at that:  Alexis, Christo, Jill, Alicia (there sometimes), Kara, Jenny, Jeff, Bud, Caitlin, Michelle, Silvia...and their friends...and many others I am probably forgetting about.  I'm excited to be in their lives for awhile, at least a few months, to really get to know them again, their friends, their lives, etc...and to get to know a city well in a short time period.  In a way I feel like it's a dry run for the next move, where I will have and know less - about the city, the language, the friends, the food, the transportation system, the job, etc, as I am moving on to Paris after New York.  And it's also a chance to adjust to the new job, which is scary in and of itself.  The New York stint will be a terrific opportunity to meet and get to know the partners in that office, to get to know a few of the global clients from the American side, make some friends throughout the NY office - and most importantly, learn how to contribute effectively to a Monitor project.  I think it will be a whirlwind of stats, graphs, probability, market-sizing and projections.  Along with many other more subtle skills, like how to operate around a client, in a meeting, on site.  How to print, for example.  :)  

I wonder if I will ever be in a position to NOT characterize my life like that.  The wild ride.  I wonder if I truly prefer it, and then recognize carefully that I think I do.  I like the adventure, the forward motion, the newness of understanding something...and in a way, I think I'm afraid to stay put.  I'm afraid I'll get restless, although I'm also a homebody of sorts.  It's a contradiction, I know.  

A friend of mine asked me today when and where I wanted to settle down.  First, 'settle down' is an interesting term - and one that I don't think even really applies to me and my friends. Except when kids come into the picture I think - then it really does apply, especially after they start school.  I'd love to have kids, and know that my life will change a lot when I do.  Where will I be?  Who knows.  I think it depends a lot on my partner, and where they are, where they are from, where we would both like to go.   I'd like to be in San Francisco I think. It's hard to choose, though, because there are also so many other places that I love, and in which I have loved to live in the past.  San Francisco is the one place though where I have always felt truly at home -- but then I also wonder why I feel the need to leave that place often.  I love coming home, and I love so many things about this area of the world.  The city, the water, the weather (mostly), the beauty, the diversity of thought, the wineries, the mountains, the ability to go camping every weekend - or to go clubbing instead.  It's a treat.  I will miss this place a lot - and maybe it's a bit of why I leave - in order to appreciate the amazing things about this area.  

I will miss the people the most.  My family, for starters.  My mom.  Brother.  And Dad, of course.  Even though he is not physically here anymore, we talk about him every day.  He's 'here,' in the grandest sense of the word...his clothes are hanging in the closet, his pillow is out on the bed, even his glasses are still on the night stand.  It gives us a sense of normalcy I think...although it's hard.  There are millions of memories that come along with each item, in each place, and in each room of the house.  And in his car.  Berkeley.  UCSF.  The beaches nearby.  The national parks.  Picking me up and dropping me off at school.  He is here in the best sense of the word - because it is here that I can sense the strongest memories of and experiences with him.  I am going to greatly miss that.  I also miss Molly, but I know that it was her time.  I miss her eyes, her worried/inquisitive look in her eyes, our walks, her wagging, her sniffles.  Her bell.  I heard it downstairs the other day and looked up with a start - and then realized that my mom was moving her stuff downstairs into storage.  :(  She was a wonderful dog, and taught me so much about animals.  I love her dearly.  My mom and brother I hope to stay in touch with very regularly, although it's hard to reach my brother sometimes.  Through Skype I hope, and with good internet connection, we can make it work.  And frequent visits home hopefully.  HUG.  

Friends I will certainly also miss.  I feel like I finally have a terrific friend network in the Bay Area, a diverse set of amazing people that I would like to be friends with for life.  I mean that utterly.  I think graduate school is one of those intense experiences that you bond over - and I hope to always be friends with them.  Most of them have mentioned visiting and I REALLY hope they all do.  :)  

Ok...off for now, to finish some work and then head to bed.  Taking some time to breathe, before the ride begins anew.