Worries

I miss my dad. My mom called me sobbing tonight, and it was so hard to hear her be so sad. She's exhausted. Traveling like a bee, stopping only long enough to catch her breath before she takes off again. My dad was such a tremendous support to her and to all of us. I'm worried about her. Worried that she's working too much, that she's trying so hard to be tough, to be good at everything, and that she might just crack one of these days. From my perspective, outside her world, there are things that are possible to miss in the interest of sleep, especially from her perspective. She should have taken more time off after Daddy's death, but probably would not have. I know she takes things one day at a time, and she is barely making it through. Inside. Externally, she's ok - hiring people, making time for them, making decisions, etc. She thinks she needs to keep going, as fast as possible, and do her best, always. She really needs to slow down. I panic when she calls crying like that. It's so hard to listen to. Maybe I'll call the grief counselor tomorrow. Just to see who she is and what she has to say. Maybe I'll even make my mom an appointment. And what about me - Am I ok? I don't know, but I know that I'm asking those questions. I'm concentrating on it, and treating myself gently, rather than pushing at myself. I sleep a lot, try to turn my brain off, relax. I think I would actually be quite good at being retired. Or a teacher, mom, stay at home person. Could be fun. But for now, it's off to the races. Going to work as hard as I can for a few years, learn as much as I can, and then retreat back to a really interesting, lower profile job, hopefully with comparable pay.

I had lunch with Veronica yesterday and she told me a bit about her list. I'll start one soon, although it's very difficult to do when one is already emotionally involved with someone. To be continued....